I negotiated with myself today in half hour of deep thought out in a peaceful location with a part of me. A part of me that’s played a role for some years. Sometimes in good and sometimes in bad. A role that’s performed, conditioned and holds a somewhat experienced hardened CV close.

It took me to a place I didn’t want to go somewhat yet knew I had to, to let go. Someone said to me recently.

“I can help you but you got to do some of it yourself. You might have to go to a place you have not nor never been yet.”

It sat with me for a while like a stone in the chest.

I’m a big believer to settle anything you have sometimes got to grab your knackers, jump in and take yourself to a different place you have never been. Growth and transformation sit at that table and they only invite you in when your ready.

It wasn’t easy but it was needed. You see there’s a part of me that’s limited me and the capacity in how I go about my daily activities for a very long time.

It’s hurt like a nagging tooth for years. Often beating myself up and feeling like I constantly punch myself in the mouth. It’s been a part of me that seen the colourful demons in the back of my mind, sleep and commentators box for years with nightmares often.

A part of me that hurts a lot from the past childhood torment, conflict and neglect. A traumatised young lad to say the least. Those parts have shared and seen a lot. I had to plan for their exit strategy.

I got to work.

Im ever so pleased to say negotiations went well. Why?

Because I have decided, chosen and made a conscious thought to let the parts of me exit sooner rather than later.

Because I won’t be held back nor down by them nor the demons that come with them no more.

Because for the love, appreciation and ultimate whole hearted respect of the best people around me my brother, Therapist, Dr the crisis team at Rotherham, my grandad and my best friends who saved my life..,

I don’t nor won’t ever go back to the older version of me and I’ll be there for them in every way, heart spirit and mind commuted to shining a positive bright lantern moving forward.

Because it will bring positivity, a drive from me so much, it will bring love, heartfelt gratitude in abundance, many more special memories with good people and a smile or 3.

They say.

“Being born makes you worthy enough to be here.”

There was a time I didn’t feel worthy no more and nearly signed off leaving many of unread chapters yet knowing there’s a loving, grateful and unbelievably wholehearted part of me to be reborn.

It’s time and I’m making a conscious decision loyal commitment and agreement to do just that & move forward…

From the depth of my loving, grateful and grounded heart.

Those that know.

I’m here, it’s because of you and I love you more than words will ever describe.

To many more special memories and times.

Thank you.

❤️x