An old teacher once said to me.

“You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it Matt.”

I sat with that thought whilst letting it trickle in and out of my life for years after.

There has been times when I couldn’t put my mind to anything other than when was this pain going to end in a dark hole I had been climbing through for what seemed like a lot of my life.

You know one of them holes that has no light nor life for miles.

That drips with dirty water and echoes while you climb through squelching your war trodden feet and sludgy boots through it.

One of them holes that Is dark and has locked doors at every turning point so you can’t get out.

What they said though seem to stick with me though and turned a bright gleaming light on in my twenties building the gym, competing for a few years in natural bodybuilding, climbing snowdon, completing half a dozen half marathons, the toughest guy award, enhancing my career and much more.

Never gifted, arrogant nor had a talent just a down to earth lad that worked for it, applied myself at times and even more so when the chips where down.

Dr Niall upped my medicine 4 weeks ago and three weeks ago he invited me in to see him. I’d gone very low again. Things weren’t good.

I sat in the chair that morning more like shrunk in the chair if I’m honest, listening to the sound of his voice, struggling, exhausted, choking for some time and longing for some further help which has been incredible let me add..

He said,

“There are a number of options Matt, your the boss though what do you want to do?”

Crisis was looking prominent and I said

“I don’t want to go down that route again.”

He said.

“Your the boss and I support whatever you want yet have you considered changing your medicines?”

We spoke for a while longer.

I chose not to go down that route either.

Something what felt far away from me, tapped me to say.

“Your stronger than you know Matt, you just need to believe again.”

Upon leaving the doc said…

“I know it’s very hard right now yet together me & you, we will get you through.”

I had a tear or two and said…

“We will Doc and I have got a lot to do, got to do it for me & those I love, thank you so much.”

Dr O Leary has been a special partner in the hardest time of my life through this depression, anxiety and a man I have a lot of time, respect and appreciation for.

Today though I had something in mind and wanted to put my mind to it.

I got up to complete a goal I set at a very low point for me to revive rather than just survive.

Today I sighed relief
Tonight I can breathe
& Now I can believe again.

Reviving and on the right path.